Mixed feelings

A weird thought occurred to me, I probably have less flying hours left before I get my Licence than I ever intended to take in the first place.

Remember I only ever intended on taking around 10 hours of flight training. Enough for the very basics. Enough to be a help rather than a hindrance to RTH in the cockpit. That’s when I started this blog. I had about 10 hours and the idea in the back of my head that at some point soon I was going to reach the limit of what I was capable of.

I’d approach every lesson with that sinking feeling that today would be the flight where Bob’d decide that I’d reached my limit. I was genuinely waiting for him to say “let’s call it a day.” Now I’m waiting on him to say “let’s talk dates” for my flight test.

At the moment it seems like a completely rational, sensible, sane idea that I’m heading for my check ride.  I can see the progression in my flying, my knowledge, my decision making processes and my ability to assimilate multiple sources of information.

And then I take a step back and think about the enormity of it all.

I oscillate back and forth between thinking that I’m just a hair breadth away from hitting those standards and it’ll come to me soon. That’ll it be no big deal, I’m safe and proving that to an examiner will be a breeze. And thinking that it’s going to remain tantalisingly out of my grasp. That the chances of me making just one stupid mistake are high enough that I’ll never get there.

I know that Bob thinks I can do it, but I also know he’ll be crossing his fingers the entire time. Because I suspect even he has mixed feelings about this. He’s easy to read sometimes. I can see the satisfaction and respect in his expression when I pull off a flawless takeoff or an impeccable 180 degree turn under the hood.

And then I see the look of exasperation as I do something stupid or his look of mild incomprehension as I hesitate in stalling the plane, despite my ability to recover from them more than adequately. The awkward way he tries to broach the subject of “WMAP-you-really-can’t scream-your-way-through-a-power-on-stall-because-the-examiner-isn’t-going-to-realise-that-you-actually-know-what-you-are-doing-he’s-going-to-assume-you’ve-lost-control-of-the-plane.” Because he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings but at the same time he just can’t understand what the issue is. As far as he can see I know how to recover the plane and I do it every time, if only I could shut my mouth a little!

Yeah I might only have a short time left in my training but it’s going to be intense, that’s for sure.

I’m not sure how all this is going to pan out. Occasionally I let myself dream of that moment when I hear the magic words that mean I’ve finally achieved the impossible.

One thing I do know is that I wouldn’t have been able to get event his far without Bob’s steady encouragement and unwavering belief in me.

And I will miss flying with him.