Screaming inside.

I’m going to admit to being more than a little frustrated by my (self-perceived*) lack of progress at the moment. I just seem to pound out circuit after circuit after circuit and I still don’t think I’m doing any better. Of course it is the italicised word that’s the key here. More on that later.

Today’s plan was for me to do some dual circuits and then get some solo time. It didn’t work out that way. For a number of reasons. First of all I legitimately developed a hellish headache and wanted to call it a day but to be honest I was ready to chicken out anyways.

I really don’t know what goes through my head. I fixate on my inability to do the most mundane things and convince myself that I just shouldn’t be up there alone. For example I hate the lack of run up area for runway 08. I convince myself that I’m going to beach it on the grass or seriously get in the way of a Porter or worse. Now I’ve never even come close to doing that but it is in my head and won’t leave. Stupid, stupid stuff like that stresses me out to the point of no return. While the big stuff , like a plane being on my runway when I was on very short final causing me to have to overshoot (more in another post), doesn't faze me in the slightest.

After today’s flight I could have cried with frustration. I’m doing fine up there. I know that when I review my flights but at the time I’m flying I feel like I’m on the ragged edge and barely holding on. It is only once I’m on the ground that I realise that safe does not have to mean perfect. So I had to do a couple of overshoots today, maybe they weren’t perfect either but they were SAFE. Why can’t I realise this when I’m actually doing them?

Bob has assured me 100% that he has no problems with sending me solo. He knows I can cope with whatever life throws at me up there. He wants to work with me on overcoming whatever demons are holding me back, he considers us a team, in it together. But there is only so much he can do. The problems inside my head are all my own doing. I have impossibly high standards. I judge others by them but I judge myself more

I’m SAFE. I really, really am. Gotta remember that. Got to move on. I'm the only one stopping me.


*Bob thinks I'm doing OK. He keeps telling me this. I don't think he's lying but at the same time, I don't believe him either.