I’m trying not to get too schmaltzy and overly emotional but it is
safe to say it’s been a hell of a year, quite frankly things could not be more
different than they were 12 months ago. Trying
to relate this all to flying is interesting; in some ways we have a chicken and
egg situation going on. Are the changes
in my life due to flying or did I decide to start flying because of the changes
in my life? I’m not imagining this stuff either, everyone who knows me says
that I’ve changed considerably in last year (for the better I hope!)
From a flying perspective (which I guess is why you’re reading
this?) I’ve literally gone from never being in the cockpit of a small aircraft
to being in sole command of one. Although to be fair I’d had a lot of exposure
to flying stuff while assisting RTH in his quest to get his PPL. At one point I
could have passed the PStar just by virtue of the fact that I’d memorised the
answers while quizzing him. Of course none of it struck in my long term memory
(I didn’t think I’d ever need the knowledge) so by the time I needed to know the stuff it was back
to square one!
In no particular order here are some of my most vivid and strongest
memories/random thought processes that I recall during the journey so far.
·
I actually recall having a conversation with both Bob and RTH as to
whether it was worth me logging my hours as I wasn’t actually aiming to get my
PPL, just to be able to fly the basics*.I wasn’t even convinced at that point
that it was worth buying the PTR to write the stuff down in.
· I remember being so overwhelmed about even following the checklist,
let alone flying the plane. I didn’t see how I was ever going to manage. I
seemed to spend half of my lesson hunting for every single switch and button. I’d regularly “lose” instruments. Bob’d have
to point with his finger to the altimeter or ASI mid-flight because I couldn’t
find them!
·
Starting the engine was an epic task because you had to follow the
checklist items in rapid succession and couldn’t pause to find your place. Now even in summer I can get it to start first time (unless someone is watching me!)
·
I refused to take my hands off the control yoke. I sincerely
believed it was not possible to trim the plane or lean the mixture whilst simultaneously
flying it. Hands off = instant plummet towards the ground.
·
I used to grip the control column so hard my fingers turned white
and my hands would hurt for days afterwards. Once, I popped a knuckle out of
joint.
·
I was on the verge of hyperventilating constantly for probably my
first 10 hours of flying. I would have to concentrate on controlling my
breathing almost as much as I had to concentrate on flying.
·
For a similar time frame I had no spare capacity for speech either.
This’ll come as a great surprise to people who know me and therefore struggle
daily to get me to shut up, but at one point Bob could speak to me and be lucky
to get an answer. Anything he did manage to extract would be one word at best!
·
Pre lesson briefings were particularly traumatic for me. I viewed
them as postponing the inevitable. I’d arrive scared and just want to get up
there and get it over with. I couldn’t get my brain to function in any useful fashion.
As Bob described what we were going to do that lesson all I could hear going
through my mind was “Can’t do this, can’t do this”
·
One of my most vivid and enduring thoughts was in the lead up to and during the
lessons I was doing power on stalls and spins. I kep telling myself “if you
have a panic attack now, they’ll NEVER let you fly on your own. NEVER EVER! Are
you going to F@CK up your future now because you can’t control yourself?”**
·
After a lesson, when I’d succeeded in doing whatever we had planned
and more importantly, had not had a complete and utter breakdown I’d feel
invincible for days. It was such a high that I can’t even begin to describe it.
I could take on the world!
·
Secretly I’d be a bit annoyed at Bob for treating me like any other
student. When I was still in my “I’ll just get 10 hours worth of lessons phase,”
I thought he was being unreasonable by expecting proper pilot-like standards of
me when flying. I was never going to be a pilot, was I? Why was he bothering me with all this theory stuff?
·
At some point I was fully expecting (maybe I still am) for someone to
turn around and say “Ok, so we’ve reached the limit of what you’re capable of.
I hope you enjoy your flying time with your husband and feel free to help him
out but you’re never going to be able to get your PPL.” This may explain why I
never came out and admitted I’d like to try for it, I didn’t want people to laugh
at me.
·
At some point the fear disappeared. I suddenly found myself able to
listen to pre flight lessons. I could think through problems. I could do
rudimentary math. I could carry on a conversation in the air! Hell I could
actually pry one hand off the control column to do stuff!
·
Now I don’t get scared, I get frustrated. Bad landings, dicey climb
out angles, un-square circuits make me mad with myself. I forget that I’m in a
plane and flying the damn thing. Flying
something that less than a year ago you’d need medication or alcohol to get me
into in the first place!
·
Now I am so proud of myself. Not many people ever learn to fly. Even
less people with a reasonably bad flying phobia learn. I’m in a minority of a
minority and worked damn hard to achieve what I have so far. Not just by
hitting the books and learning the theory but by taking a long hard look at
what was holding me back.
2012 was a turning point for me. I have a lot of people to thank
for where I’m currently at; anyone who has played even the smallest part in
this journey has my extreme gratitude. I can’t wait to see where 2013 takes me. Happy new year all!!
* I believe in some circles this is referred to as “The Wife Course”
in that it is designed for the little wifey who’ll be sitting there next to her
man as he bravely flys the plane into the wilderness while she does her sewing
or something! Occasionally he may ask her to adjust the radio or flick a switch.
Yeah if someone had called it the “Wife course” to me, that would have made the
decision to carry on with my PPL a whole lot easier. I don’t do the “wifey
thing”!
** I don’t know if this is actually true but common sense tells me
that any medical and/or licensing professional is going to think twice about
allowing someone who freezes with fear to fly a plane solo.
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