Sometimes I say the stupidest things.

You know how you have a thought in your head and it’s not until it comes out that you realize how ridiculous it sounds? That was today’s post flight conversation with Bob.

We’d done some circuits, couple of emergency procedures thrown in. Some improvement, some room for improvement. Nothing too problematic, so not much of a debrief needed. Still I had a few questions from a while back so I pulled out my trusty phone and read from my notes. I had a couple of q’s from a situation weeks ago where ATC wouldn’t acknowledge my call into the zone and then I attempted to broach the subject that has been weighing on my mind a lot recently. The written exam.

Now for a person who used to make a living out of talking to crowds, sometimes I have real issues communicating what’s on my mind. I tried to explain to Bob that I was having issues with studying, some topics in particular and just getting the timing right in general.  The topics I’m struggling with didn’t come as a huge surprise, Nav – lack of practice and Met – lack of interest! But he looked puzzled when I said the timing was an issue. I reminded him that once you sit the written, you only have a certain time period to get the flight test done. “Yes, it’s TWO YEARS” said Bob.

“So, you think I’ll be ready in that time then, we’re OK and on track?” I asked and immediately realized just how ridiculous that sounded. Bob, with his infinite patience said “yes WMAP, we’ve got you solo, that was the hard part. You’ll do it in less than two years”

I hate the way my insecurities make me sound stupid. I hate being so needy but part of me needs this reassurance that I’m OK, that I’m just like any other student. No better, no worse. I need to get rid of this voice in my head that still reckons that everyone is just humouring me, I need to listen to the one that says you can actually do this.

Self doubt is soul destroying.